A Life Long Forgotten
by Black Hawk
Summary: To begin anew means to face inner demons. Reflections from the newest member of SG1: Jonas Quinn.


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I know I should be working on _Snow_… but I just had to post this. It can also be in the same world as _Snow_, the background that I built off of for both is the same, although it has not yet been revealed in either one. Don't have to have read _Snow_ to read this. Enjoy!

Title: A Life Long Forgotten  
Author: Black Hawk   
Email: **black_hawk_girl@hotmail.com****   
Category: POV, Drama, Angst  
Episode related: 521 Meridian   
Season: Season Sixish  
Pairing: none   
Rating: PG   
Warnings: reference to violence  
Summary: Reflections by SG-1's newest member. Angsty.   
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).**

A Life Long Forgotten

There are some things in life that you'll never forget. The rosy sky as the sun rises. My little sister's laughter. The smell of the trees just after the rain. My mother's dead stare as she lay, covered in her own blood. Yes. There are some things in life that you'll never forget. And there are some things that you wish you could. 

My life has been littered with good times and bad. My heart has known elation and utter despair. My world has become a teasing reality, taunting me here and there with bits of truth and acceptance. 

I've seen much of the world; have had hopes and dreams squashed. The cruel face of humanity has turned towards me, more than once. But it's when the beautiful side, that bright and shining hopeful face turns towards you that makes it all worthwhile. In the end it's the warm promise of love that gets us through. The single, constant thing in life, the "unmoved mover," if you will. She's always there for you. The problem is remembering to reach for her, assuming you all ready know how. But she's there all the same and she'll be there long after we're gone. For she always was and always will be. 

The people of this world are not unlike my own. There are leaders and doctors, warriors and scientists. 

General Hammond who is a kind man, a wise man. A well-respected leader of his people, his compassion in times of need is admirable. I owe my life to him for it was his people that saved it. A dark part of me wonders why.

Colonel O'Neill is a tough man to figure out. I don't blame him for not liking me. I am a traitor to my people and am alien to him in more ways than one – not just that I'm from another planet. He's a military man. As respected as General Hammond, I see something else in his teammates' eyes. Love. He truly cares about those who serve under him and it does not go unnoticed. I don't know if there's any way I could ever tell him how honored I am to be part of his team, his fight, his revolution. I don't think there is a way, and I don't think he'll ever know. Maybe it's better that way. 

I have found a companion in Teal'C that I've never really had before. All my life I've been treated differently, that's what isolated me from other people. But not here. Here that treatment has found me a bosom friend. We're both in a similar situation, and Teal'C provides so much for me to aspire to. Honor. Justice. Courage. Loyalty. His example is truly noble and I hope that one day I'll be able to stand beside him, at least appearing to be part of his shadow. 

And then there's Sam. I know I shouldn't call her that but it just slips out sometimes. I see more of myself in her than I care to admit, yet at the same time I would never compare myself to such a beautiful person. Her intelligence is rivaled only by her independence and for that alone I admire her. I've striven for independence all my life and have miserably failed. Not like her. I don't think she'd know failure if it kicked her from behind. I've seen her pretend to know it, to seem to really feel it, but in the end it's all just been a show for nothing. She's really beautiful, you know. The way she sees things. The way she carries herself and speaks. Her charisma is unintentional which makes it all the more effective. 

She didn't accept me at first. None of them did. Not that I can blame them. If our situations were somehow reversed I'm sure my government would be holding them hostage, asking a ransom of technology. I knew that the people of this world were different the moment I saw them. They wore uniforms but very clearly were individuals. A nonchalant leader. A powerful female as second in command. An elegant, dark-skinned man who's mere presence commanded respect. And a less imposing man with glasses. He looked a bit like my older brother. I knew right away that I liked him. 

But I wasn't raised on this planet and trained for my position with any lack of discipline, so of course, I behaved professionally. Inside I was bursting with questions, but "questions betray ignorance", as my uncle would say. And he'd taught me well not to ask them. Yet from these wondrous visitors I sensed no harm- and I can usually gauge malicious intent pretty well. There was none, so I tested the air a bit. Dr. Jackson was the first to answer me and I tried not to show just how much fascination I had with every word they spoke. Looking back now I realize that I memorized everything they said.

I wanted to learn everything about their world, about the lives their people lived, about who they were. Then it happened. And I couldn't move. I wanted to stop him, I should have stopped him, and I'll go to my grave wishing I had stopped him, but that same, cold, dark fear gripped my heart, rendering me useless. It brought back flooding memories of a life long forgotten, or so I had thought. And he had a gun. 

I wish to the gods that it was me who ran into that room and saved my people, but more importantly, saved him. An innocent man should not have to suffer for a whole planet's crimes. We're all just as guilty as those who made the bomb, for we could not find a common ground for peace. But that's the world that I inherited, and so it was. 

I often try to imagine what it must have looked like to see a human being ascend to a higher plane of existence. Sam tried to explain it to me once, but it's not the same as seeing it. They tell me he's not dead. Then why does it feel like he is?

They had told me not to talk – that if I did my life would end in a most painful manner. That didn't scare me. My country lives with the constant threat of war, and if we lost, I, along with all of those who worked in my facility would undoubtedly be tortured. If not for information then for some dark form of personal satisfaction. It was an idea that I was used to so it had little effect on me. What really scared me was killing others. If I told anonymously then my whole department would be under scrutiny and subject to punishment. 

I was afraid. I've always been afraid. 

But then Colonel O'Neill talked to me. He told me I was a coward… and I wasn't afraid anymore. It was as if suddenly this burden was lifted off my shoulders. Someone had finally seen me for who I was. For that I will always be grateful. 

I knew the system. I could do it if I timed it right. If I stayed calm. If I wasn't afraid to die. Unfortunately, after you've seen enough of it, you get used to death. 

It was almost as if for the first time in my life I wasn't afraid. My mother would have told me to follow my heart. 

I wanted to make it clear that I was the culprit, that no others could be needlessly punished. I talked, stole the Naquadria and left through the Stargate to an unknown world. 

As if the journey through the Stargate wasn't bad enough, I was met with an array of rifles directed towards me. I don't even know what I expected to find on the other side of that gate, but I consciously didn't let myself take the time to even form expectation. And somehow, through it all, my subconscious anticipated death, and I looked forward to a release. If our situations had been reversed, after they'd gotten what they'd wanted from me, my people would have killed me as a security threat. Death is always so near on Kelowna. Perhaps that's why I've come to expect it. 

I met General Hammond, but wanted to see Jack. I gate him the Naquadria. I fumbled out a weak apology or explanation or excuse, I know not which. Then they led me away. I wasn't even listening to where they were taking me, I had assumed it was a detainment center. I wondered how long they'd keep me around before they realized my government didn't care about me anymore and kill me. I was worth nothing to them. 

I was so wrong. I should have known better, after all, Dr. Jackson was from here. I had been fully prepared for the worst, not caring about myself, only caring that my people somehow benefit from my betrayal. As I was led away I was prepared for death, torture, to meet a firing squad, anything… except for what happened. They took me to the infirmary. First off they wanted to make sure I carried no harmful diseases, and secondly, they wanted to make sure I was healthy. I was too shocked to speak, so I didn't. 

I don't think I'll ever be accepted, not really. I will always remind them of their loss. It is my brand, one that I've tried to heal but somehow, deep inside, know never will. I'm not sure of their feelings for me, but I love them all. That has always been a flaw of mine, though. Too quick to love. But they're my whole life now. I never do anything without thinking of them. Before I never realized I had such a void in my life. Maybe I never let myself realize it. But they have so easily taken a special place in my heart that I try to keep from everyone. 

I guess by becoming a refugee of sorts, when I turned over myself to them I turned over everything. I was well aware of my vulnerability and took every breath with caution. And somehow, when I had my shields down, they found their way into my heart.

Looking back now I can't believe I ever lived what I considered a life without such friendship. They are now my family- the family that I have searched for for so long, but never knew I was. 

None of that matters anymore. I have them now, and that's what counts. 

So whaddya think? Want a sequel… a prequel… anything? Please give your opinions! :oD!


End file.
